A Very Epic (and dangerous) Dinner

So Schuyler did an awesome link-up on her blog this month, and basically you’re supposed to invite twelve villains to dinner. I will confess I’m not the best at social things, so I may not be able (or brave enough) to find twelve; but I think if I’m inviting this many villains over we can safely assume that I am also quite rich (in gold coins probably, that seems appropriate), and I also possess sufficient space and *ahem* resources to host such an epic party.

So first, the invitation:

You are invited
to dinner at the home of
Miss Katherine Forster,
3791 Legends Lane
Fairy Forest, Middle Earth.

From sunset to midnight at the next full moon

Yourself. You may come with your weapons, so long as you surrender them to the butler upon arrival.

And the guest list:

Mr. Saruman (Lord of the Rings) He’s a quite intelligent wizard with a taste for world domination.

Sir, I must inform you that the trees around here are rather alive; so I’d request you refrain from damaging my nice castle. Also, no wizard battles please.

Her Majesty Queen Levana (The Lunar Chronicles) Also in the world domination business, except she prefers worlds other than her own.

Your Majesty, it’s an honor to have you. I don’t really care whom you come looking like, but please, don’t manipulate my other guests.

His Majesty King Miraz (Prince Caspian) Again with the world domination (he stole it from his nephew). 

Your Majesty, you are most welcome, and I assure you there will be no talking animals.

Mr. Andrew Ketterly (The Magician’s Nephew) If he’d had his career to do over again, he should have been a jeweler. And avoided nephews.

Thank you for agreeing to come, sir. I’m not entirely certain which pool you need to jump in to get here, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Lady Catherine DeBourgh (Pride and Prejudice) And yet more domination. Except with nephews. What’s with all the nephews anyway?

My lady, the delight is mine. I promise. I’m sure you will greatly enjoy your time with so many legendary villains, and maybe you’ll even be a reforming influence.

Lord Gnag the Nameless (The Wingfeather Saga) The name says it all.

My lord, I realize you don’t particularly enjoy human company, so if you’d rather not come yourself you’re welcome to send General Khrak. But please, have him work on his table manners before he comes.

Mr. Moriarty (Sherlock Holmes) Criminal mastermind to end all masterminds.

Sir, I would only suggest you avoid waterfalls on your way over.

Wolfgang Dankworth (Blank Mastermind) Another criminal mastermind. Except he has amnesia. 

Dear Wolfgang, I know you’ve lost your memory, but you still technically count as a villain.

Professor Frost (That Hideous Strength) A terribly objective individual, but with a penchant for meddling in things he shouldn’t.

Dear sir, I’ll be most delighted to have you. But I’m afraid I can’t allow you to bring any of your… friends. Seriously, I understand a headless body, but I’m afraid a bodiless head is a bit too much, even for this company.

The Dragonwitch (Tales of Goldstone Wood) Again, the name says it all. At one point she was a fairy queen.

Don’t worry,  my dear, we have plenty of fire extinguishers.

And the seating arrangements:

Saruman can sit at the head of the table (head wizard and all that). On his right, we’ll have the Dragonwitch, since they’re both magical beings with a penchant for world domination. Andrew Ketterly will sit on her right, since he seems to get along with highly dangerous witch-queens, and to his right will be King Miraz. They can discuss their adventures in Narnia, such as they were. To the right of Miraz we’ll have Lady Catherine. The three of them can bemoan the ways of incorrigible nephews.

Queen Levana will sit at the foot of the table, to Lady Catherine’s right. It’ll be interesting to see how they get along (I’m sure Lady Catherine will find her a most impertinent young woman). To Levana’s right, across from Catherine, will be General Khrak. Probably either he or Lady Catherine will be incapacitated by the end of the night due to his table manners, but maybe Levana will do something about it. Professor Frost will be next to Khrak. He’ll probably find that being unworthy of his conversation, so we’ll put Moriarty on his other side. Probably they won’t converse much either; Frost can just sit there and observe the rest of the table from behind his pince-nez.

Wolfgang will be on Moriarty’s other side (next to Saruman, who will likely ignore him). It will be an excellent opportunity for Wolfgang. He can observe a real (non-amnesiac) mastermind, and get a feel for whether he really wants to pursue that career path.

 This is going to be a *very* interesting party. Hopefully everybody gets along. What do you think will happen? Which villains would you add to the list?


14 thoughts on “A Very Epic (and dangerous) Dinner

  1. Man, I was going to invite Wolfgang too, but I entirely forgot that I was going to until all the invitations had been sent out. I think he would’ve felt awkward at my dinner anyway. I’m glad you seated him with Moriarty.

    Anyway, dear, I hope this dinner goes fine. (Haha it probably won’t.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I don’t think he would have been to comfortable with the dragon.
      Thank you, but you’re probably right. I’ll have to assemble all the Avengers or something (and get Gandalf to make them all behave!)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh… Wolfgang being invited totally made my day this is the best. <333 XD
    I made him write a thank you note, so here.
    "Dear Katherine,
    Thank you for inviting me to your dinner party, I had quite an… interesting time.
    Mr. Sauruman only insulted my attire twice and nicely left me alone for the rest of the time. Moriarty (or, as he insisted I call him, Jim) was quite interested in my situation with Amazing Man and had plenty of disturbing suggestions for me to exact my revenge on him. He was quite conversational and told me all about his nemesis, Sherlock, and how horrible he was. I got lots of advice I didn't really ask for.
    If your purpose was to scare me off from this profession, you did a quite lovely job of it. Though, honestly, I didn't need much more convincing.
    Wolfgang Dankworth"

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah, Wolfgang. I’m so sorry Saruman insulted your clothing. You know he can be just a bit snobbish (wanting to take over the world and thinking he can team up with a dark lord and all that). And he does have rather a singular taste in fashion, with all that white.
      But I’m so glad you enjoyed your time with Moriarty! If in fact you decide to take up villaining again he’ll be a great resource. Although I’m delighted to hear you’re reconsidering your career path. As you may have noticed, it’s a rather dangerous one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, he gave me his phone number and I put it in my phone because he was watching.
        I really don’t think I’ll ever use it.
        *decides to look into being a car salesman or something*

        Liked by 1 person

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